Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

It’s still here.

I’m Considering Asking My Female Friend to Do Something Many Women Would Never Agree To - Slate Magazine

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

I was tired of trying and failing.

Infamous 'neutron lifetime puzzle' may finally have a solution — but it involves invisible atoms - Live Science

I had run out of hope.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

Why do so many men on the internet try to compete with women, or try to "humble" and bash them? There's so many videos across my tiktok and YouTube of men claiming how they're wanting to get back at women and put them in thier place.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

And the sadness?

When Don Nelson collects Chuck Daly Lifetime Achievement Award, he’ll throw shade at Doncic trade - San Francisco Chronicle

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

You are like me, then.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

The Day the Earth Smiled: Earth, the Moon, and Saturn All in One Frame - The Daily Galaxy

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

It’s here now, writing to you.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

When have you been in an accident where the other person involved blatantly lied to the police about what transpired?

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

Be who you already are.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

Tom Cruise Reportedly Tried to Recruit This ‘Weak-Minded’ Celebrity Into Scientology, per Resurfaced Reports - SheKnows

I was tired of fighting.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

The sadness was still there.

Astronomers are stunned after the quiet development of the largest telescope ever built in China. - Farmingdale Observer

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

Physicists capture 'second sound' for the first time — after nearly 100 years of searching - Live Science

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.